Tuesday, February 26, 2019

Why men quit online dating

Why men quit online dating

Why men quit online dating


Although most of the stuff I wrote that long ago has become too cringeworthy for me to read, this book is mostly okay. Are you buying or selling?


Finland is big on berries, and has an abundance of wild blueberries, raspberries, blackberries, cloudberries, lingonberries, hinkleberries and floinkenberries. Okay, so maybe I made up the last two, but the rest are real and tasty. Vendor A: You know what you want, and you pick the best option. You arrive at Vendor A. Hey, look, berries! They look a little worse for wear, but overall not bad. No way!


It must be my lucky day! Will you pleeeez take my money? Do you see how much nonsense that makes? And yet, that is exactly how most people approach the relationship market.


I make mad money! I give body-melting massages with hot chestnut oil! Choose meeee! But in the end, the best salesperson in the world has less power than even the least skilled buyer. The science of game theory guarantees it. Because the buyer has choice. And choice in the marketplace is power. How do you practice being the buyer in the dating world?


By being playfully discriminating. Pretty pleez? So if you are that rare person who has the presence of mind to adopt the subtle shift in perspective to become the buyer, you will win more often. It does not cost anything to assume the buyer stance. And yet, it will make you more attractive than all of those external interventions. In The Tao of Dating, I call this the picky buyer stance. And while I want you to be picky, I also want you to remain compassionate and kind.


But you will never do that, because you will remain your playful, fun, kind self. The point is to keep your heart and mind open while conveying that you have standards. The picky buyer stance is especially important to remember when meeting people online.


This is because an online profile is basically an advertisement, which is by definition what people utilize to sell things. Once you receive some messages from interested parties, then you can go back to being the picky buyer. Being the buyer vs the seller feeds directly into the next principle, which may not only be the most important principle for dating, but also for lifelong happiness and fulfillment.


Are you enough? Will any guy want to go out with a woman with young children? Has he lost interest? What should I do? Enough for what?


The changing whims of culture and fashion? Your own pointlessly harsh standards? How terrible! There are multi-billion dollar industries arrayed to make us feel terrible about ourselves: TV, movies, cosmetics, advertising, exercise, diet. Making us feel bad about ourselves is how people sell us stuff.


Luckily, there are remedies. Then, for a permanent solution, do these three things: The hair will have a bad day. The outfit will go out of style. Trying to be enough is a game you cannot win. It is temporary power at best, because it can be taken away from you.


You have the power to elevate those around you, appreciate them genuinely, and make them feel like a billion bucks: So uplifting! So wonderful of you to bring us together! You can do it anytime, anywhere. And because of the hypersocial human brain, when you make other people feel good, you feel good. And when you feel good, you glow, and people want to be around you. To implement this into your life, start by setting a goal of giving one more compliment per day than you were before.


For most of us, that adds up to one compliment per day. The bus driver, the receptionist, an old friend, your partner—everyone is eligible.


Another interesting thing happens when you make being of service a part of your identity. Your mere presence will want them to be a better man! Imagine your 7-year old nephew breaks a plate. Self-kindness means being as nice to yourself as you would be to the 7yr old nephew. Recognize our common humanity. Everyone screws up.


We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Acknowledge it, feel it, and let it pass. One of the foundational tenets of Buddhist philosophy and all mystical traditions is to get rid of your sense of self entirely.


If there is no you, then nobody can belittle you, insult you, betray you, or break your heart. No self, no problem! One path is to meditate. A lot. And while you meditate, you take one step back from your own thoughts and feelings so you can stop identifying with them.


Instead, you identify with the pure consciousness behind those thoughts or feelings. Think of your consciousness as the TV screen, with your thoughts the programs showing on it. You are the TV screen, not the programs.


Eventually, the state of dis-identifying from your thoughts goes from being a state to becoming a trait. That said, you can begin the practice of dis-identification by meditating. And you can begin with just 2 minutes a day. Apps like Calm, Headspace, and Waking Up are excellent ways to ease yourself into it. What do you want? The second thing that struck me about the letters was that they almost never contained a real question.


And until you tell me what you want—some kind of desirable outcome—I have no basis to dispense advice, dubious or sage. There are some general guidelines, of course. Hang out with people who bring out your best self and catalyze your growth. Only date people who are actually single and available. For example, sometimes what you really want is not a relationship with a hotshot who has repeatedly signaled his unavailability with poor communication and a busy schedule, but something simple and more reliable.


Sometimes you just want a fun fling, not something serious. Last thing you want is to spend lots of time and effort attaining a lofty but ultimately wrong goal.


On the other hand, things like growth and fulfillment are directional goals. Work on yourself. Learning to be alone without being lonely is one of the cornerstone skills of relationship. Conclusion The principles I just described are simple to grasp.


One of the most hopeful aspects of human existence is neuroplasticity. You can learn new ways of doing things. Make a game out of it. That should help clarify the values you hold dear, which is a signpost to what you want in your life.




Why men quit online dating


Despite my best efforts to offer an open, honest, male response to sexual assault statistics, I got my ass handed to me. How can a man who is an ally strike the right tone much less make positive change? Hey, look, berries! Naturally, there are some men who Why men quit online dating older women or heavier women or women with one leg. And yet, that is exactly how most people approach the relationship market. No way! The odds are with you. The old co-worker who is an animal and human rights activist. It makes people perpetrating these crimes profoundly uncomfortable at being outed. Recognize our common humanity.






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